The title of this post is a little vague, but I will explain.
After I posted that last blog post, I played Clean by Taylor Swift and let the lyrics permanently embed themselves into my brain.
I just surrendered all of my street-cred just by uttering that last sentence.
The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud
But no one heard a thing
It was a new feeling, it was a new experience.
I will not be apologetic about falling in love with someone.
She said it again.
That last post had a direct audience, but it became much more than pacing back and forth and finally clicking “publish.”
It isn’t about him anymore. It’s for him. It’s inspired by him.
But it isn’t about him.
It’s about these people.
This blog post has been a work in progress for 4 weeks.
What prompted me to post the March 23rd post, was a sign I saw on the Queensway that read “Someone loves you, drive with care.” Just when I started hesitating the idea of posting it.
I’m a big believer in signs, no pun intended.
But it’s true. It’s time to start saying the things that keep us up at night, and stop apologizing when we finally do.
The reaction that blog post got, became the reaction I should have wanted in the beginning. It wasn’t about the subject reading it, and a moment of self-realization. This is real life, not an episode of One Tree Hill. Because of the post, I rekindled an old friendship, and made a new one (s/o to Juuzus).
Throughout the last few weeks I’ve had to put my emotions aside, and help a few friends that were in the midst of their own heartbreak. After passing a McDonald’s Cup with Rum & Coke back and forth, it was then I noticed that the advice I was giving my own friend, was subconsciously the advice I should have been giving myself.
I started surrounding myself with the right kind of people. Take a look at those you surround yourself with. Remind them how important they are to you, and don’t forget to ask them how they’re doing.
These last four weeks were frustrating because I’d start walking in one direction, and then retracing my steps. I walked by a locker that has this post it note, it said “You get what you settle for” so I took the sign, (literally) and kept it on my phone case all day.
I stood in front of the subject of the last blog post, 2 weeks after it was posted. It was a different feeling solely because I was at my most comfortable state. I wouldn’t have joked about this four weeks ago, but I’m going to joke about it now. I said to myself on the walk there, “You told the entire Internet you were in love with him, what’s the worst thing you could do or say tonight?”
Fast forward to 2 weeks later, I posted a piece of poetry on Instagram, and to be completely honest with you. It was good, witty, but it didn’t give me the same feeling I get with each piece. As hard as I tried to write something, I couldn’t. There were no words. I posted it almost like a test.
It’s like watering a dead plant.
But didn’t he plant the flowers himself?
Yes, he just didn’t water them.
Nobody is good at watering plants.
My best friend texted me the night before I posted it.
“How can you do this. How are you fine?”
I didn’t know how to answer her question. Then I realized that it’s because I wouldn’t want my 12 year old self to feel like this, in fact she did. Many times.
You go through things 10x over, and each time it’s a different feeling. This was definitely the most challenging, and it’s still a challenge. I can’t escape it, but I can grow from it. It’s about listening to people talk about their love lives, and taking the love you feel for yourself and pass it on to others. We pick ourselves up every single time. We’re always pushing ourselves to get out of bed, and telling ourselves that this is only temporary. It is. But these people stay with you forever.
We forgive them, even when they’re not sorry.
We tell ourselves that they’ll wake up one morning, thinking “Wait, that was it” and sit there woeful, but that we wouldn’t wish that upon anyone.
We use verbs about them in past tense, and choke on them.
We want what’s best for them, even if that means that it’s not us.
We write stories for people who only give us sentences.
And every single time we say the word “Almost” we accept it more instead of picking at an emotional scab, we start to let things heal.
Most importantly we learn, and we keep on learning.
Until we’re clean.
Happy to be back,
Stuff that’s been making me happy lately: