“If it’s meant to be, it’s up to me”


Quite the misleading title, considering I’m no longer a teenager. I feel that 19 is a very important age. You can get away with anything at 19, but not everything. (Raises eyebrow) A year ago, around this time a lot changed for me in the most amazing way possible, and I have a feeling that it’s about to happen again.

I remember walking into my first day at MTV Fora, trying to play off the fact that I changed into 8 different Zara shirts that morning, and wore the same pair of Levi’s two days in a row. I will forever be grateful for that experience, because it gave me the best girl army one could have and I walked out of that studio every day telling myself that I could do this.

Then once January hit, I really started to take this seriously. I thought to myself, the more vulnerable the better. Which obviously has its downfalls (like a guy telling you that it would never work because you could potentially take his vulnerability and put it in your writing)

Me? Never.

So I have some advice to 19 year old, September 2014 me. Whom last year, around this time wrote a post giving advice to her younger self.

1) The more effort you put into your education, the better it will get. 1st year was horrendous, and you’ve got the acne scars to prove it. However, it gets easier. Much easier, and if someone acts like they have it together in their lectures. They’re lying.

2) Don’t get bangs. They’ve finally grown out and I swear to you the Metro Station stage was the worst. I don’t care how many times you watched Pulp Fiction, put the scissors down. Go buy a Fish.

3) By November you’re going to get this strange feeling, you’ve never felt it before, and once you figure out what it is…hold onto it. It will help you grow as an artist, as an individual, and the moment you’re clutching onto a blue marker pressing it against a restaurant wall, you’ll know why this all had to happen. It’s going to ache, and it’s going to make you feel on top of the world. There’s no in between. But it means you’re human.

4) It’s August 30th 2015 and you finally know what you’re going to do with your English degree.

5) If you thought that men would be easier to figure out at 20, you are incredibly wrong. 5 weeks in Portugal, and a new project later you’ll figure out why it all had to happen. But two weeks into August, you immersed yourself into something new because you were sure you were ready, and it felt good. But your phone rings at 11:30am, your friend’s at a house party, and you remind her that not everybody has the same heart as you. In that moment you remember that you were 19 not too long ago, and you were her.

But now I belong to me first.

Because now I realize the importance of changing my world before I change somebody else’s, and chanting “If it’s meant to be, it’s up to me” in moments of vulnerability. It’s important to fully immerse yourself in these moments because without a doubt they can define you and shape you as an individual. The thing is, that not a lot of people know how to love you at 19, or at any age for that matter. Some people still see things in black and white. Minds can change over night. Most importantly, if you’re that girl at the party, who polished an entire bottle of Wine, and hid from civilization for 15 minutes in the washroom, those moments are going to mold you into who you are.

I didn’t know this at 19, I sometimes forget this, because I’m not done growing yet. Sometimes it intimidates the hell out of people when you’re so sure of what you want, and what you’re after. Even like-minded people won’t be able to handle your heart, and you sit there staring at your shoelaces, questioning if you should bring up the notion of two individuals working together to bring out their very best, that it’s not about a title it’s about a bond, and how that person deserves so much better and you might be it. Instead you nod politely, and choose yourself.

This time tomorrow, I’ll be in New York. I’ll continue molding and creating myself effortlessly wherever I am. Come September, I will have more voices on this website. I can’t wait to show you all what this new season will bring.



3 thoughts on “Nineteen

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