Dive

It takes a lot of patience to grow out a bob, two years I spent growing out hair, only to cut it again, and let it reach its maximum potential. It’s just hair. But I outgrew myself and others in those moments.

I came back from a vacation without a purpose. I didn’t go there to search for answers, I didn’t go to escape. If anything for the first time, I left longing the person I held closest to me. And when I spent my last Sunday in a car ride heading home after a weekend away, I was felt relieved knowing that when I left the city, I brought them with me. The light showed every imperfection on my face, but I didn’t think about that. I thought about tear stained sleeves in an airplane, and the notion that I’m finally home.

For the first time I’m not searching for answers that will help me devise the secret to a full heart, but I’m searching for my next move. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done more than I thought I would at 22, but I can’t help but feel like it isn’t enough. So I spent the following Sunday in a hairdressers chair, certain that the first move would be to cut off the extra hair I was holding onto. You see, I thought that the longer my hair got the more desirable I’d feel, not for others. For myself. I wanted to follow this persona. But I started to tug at things.

Whilst reflecting this Summer abroad, I realized how love and sobriety come together. You’re so full of heart that you barely even think about what you used to drink about. Over these last four years on this blog, a lot of these posts profess heartbreak, but it was never just that. I never wanted my writing to be labelled, “oh the heartbroken stuff” “or the bad kind of love” if anything I should have just changed my domain to “daniellalearnsherlessons.org”

So I should probably state the obvious. I don’t need a broken heart to be the writer I am. I don’t need to fall in the wrong type of love to make you all feel things. But I will tell you this, lovers aren’t the only people to break your heart. Friends can do it too.

Things grew this Spring, I found my way back after spending a year by myself and rediscovering who I’m capable of being. It took me awhile to notice that. I thought to myself, “I planted all of these seeds, why isn’t anything blooming yet?” Therefore I self published my diary. I cut off my bloody ponytail because dammit I wanted too. I’ve fallen so deeply in love, and one day I’ll tell you all about it. I watered everything until it drowned in my love.

and I may be struggling to figure out my next move, but just know I’m moving forward.

Thank you for still reading. Thank you for 30,000 hits.

Daniella Beca

Daniella

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